Feelings suck. Quite literally, feeling things sucks. I’m not speaking solely in romantic terms here. No, mostly I mean being a person that is in tune with their feelings and emotions sucks.
I’ve always been this way. I can’t remember a time in my life where I wasn’t sensitive, emotional, or over-thinking (over-feeling) everything. I’m always feeling and feeling very deeply at that. I’m always the first to realize that this thing between us might maybe be love. I’m always able to pick up the minute imperceptible shifts in the universe that actually mean everything because they bring us closer to who we are meant to be. I can feel myself into a tizzy or feel myself into feeling nothing at all if I so choose. I cry when I’m happy. I cry without knowing what I’m even crying for – like my soul just got a little too heavy and needed to shed a few pounds of water weight.
I get drained very easily. I’m constantly having to fill myself back up because feeling everything takes a lot out of a girl. I’m not good at games. I do not play hard to get. Because, well, I am not hard to get. Now, I don’t meant that to sound like I’m easy. No, I am not hard to get because if I like you, I like you and you will know this. Boring right? If you are fortunate enough to be liked or loved by me you won’t ever have to wonder how I feel. You can always be confident that some part of my heart beats for you. But when it is over, it will be over. Because, my psyche cannot handle being your friend. I do not want to know about that new job you got or how happy your new girlfriend makes you. No, you, we are frozen in time. And for a while, right after the damage is done I will blame myself and cry a lot. Then, because that hurts too much I will trick myself into thinking that I do not and never did care. Except that’s a lie and I can’t hide my feelings from myself for that long. No, eventually, I will let myself grieve, and wallow in order to come out on the other side. When it is over, it is over.
I don’t have a lot of friends because I can’t handle investing myself in that many people. I “broke up” with a best friend in 8th grade and wasn’t over it until two years later. I am misunderstood. I’ve been told before that people don’t get me or think I’m not humble. That I’m cold or whatever. Perception is often reality for people so I can do nothing about that except say that what you see and who I am are not actually the same thing. Ask anyone who knows me and knows me well, they will tell you that I actually care about a lot of things very deeply. I don’t deal with things, causes, or people unless I have decided I can handle investing in them. And once I do, well, I ride until the wheels fall off. I can’t put myself out there because it’s too much. Meaning, I feel it too much. Having it “together” at least on the outside is what keeps my insides from falling apart.
I have tried to make myself harder. To smile less in pictures and take on a cloak of cynicism because pretending not to care or expect good things from people helps me get through the day. I attempt to reject things that might make me feel vulnerable because vulnerability is too much. My “strength” is actually my weakness.
This is why I write. Why I am learning to see and honor myself as a creative. Words allow me to speak truth to all of the emotions and feelings constantly bubbling over. I cannot run away from them. I cannot hide, they force me to bear it all and move forward.
Today is the first day of November and I can’t help but reflect on the roller coaster ride of a year this has been. I have spent so much time running both to and from something – only now, I stop. Because, this isn’t that and I’m not that girl anymore.
I’ve never known how to live without my heart on my sleeve. But I’m starting to think the world might need more of that. I’d rather feel everything than nothing at all. I’d rather be someones shot of Hennessy than everyone’s cup of tea. And, I’d rather get there eventually, because authenticity can mean things taking a little longer than to rush the process and miss figuring out why I started this journey in the first place. I’d rather be present and accounted for for everything than to feel nothing at all.