for when you have no one to blame but yourself #ForFebruary

10 times out of 9 i know you're lying

you knew better. or someone told you, better. 
either way. you knew. 
were aware. made cognizant. 
chose differently. 
maybe out of a belief that you could change them
or that time would change things on its own. 
did they? things. change? 

you told yourself that its not coming easily didn't mean you shouldn't try. 

you're my lifeline and you're tryna kill me

justification. confusion. 
confusing yourself. 
actions that don't match words.
befuddled expressions. 
conversations that go no where. 
anger. daggers. tears. joy. smiles. laughter. 
working yourself into whatever state of being necessary. 
contorting and contouring yourself. 

seen this before. thought it could never happen to you. 
my, my, my, how the right aphrodisiac can make the tables turn. 
charm that was once charming now feels more like a choking. 
lost. a little dazed. a lot confused. 

i know i promised, that i couldn't stay...
but, every promise don't work out that way. 

a light bulb will go off one day. 
everything will become crystal clear. 
you. them. your place together. place in everything. 
things will stop being done to you, for you have now become an actor too. 
claimed your seat at the decision making table and decided to engage anyway. 
at which point, you lost any, and all right to blame. 
how very adult of you. 

it's crazy how what's wrong for you can feel so right. 
how bad can feel so good,
and enjoying the moment, can spiral into something else entirely. 
a beast, moment to movement, of its own. 

my torturer became my remedy. 

and hey, it's not settling if you're happy. 
right? 

for when you have no one to blame but yourself.

Image: GIPHY

Gabrielle HickmonComment