I think that the spirit of this post, as well as, what it means in real life has been brewing inside of me for awhile now and I’ve just been afraid to write it down, type it out, and put it out there. Because, if I’m being honest with myself it feels harsh and probably unnecessary – yet my spirit has been gnawing at me to write and the words for this post have been swimming in my head for days now. So, here goes nothing after you watch this short video because as with most other things in my life, I can explain them in relation to Meredith Grey.
As you saw (and if you didn’t watch don’t worry I’m going to tell you) Meredith is on a streak. She has not lost a patient since November 14th the day that Derek left her to go to DC. She completed eighty-nine perfect surgeries. Eighty-nine people lived because of her. (And yes, it’s fictional and TV but just stick with me here.) Meredith was better off without Derek. This held true even when he realized he wanted to be with his family and moved back to Seattle evidenced by the fact that Shonda killed him – which I’m still not over to be honest. And so now we get to the part about me.
I feel like Meredith. Like, I’m pitching a no hitter and I can’t kill anyone (LOL never give me a scalpel guys). And if I’m being honest, I don’t want anyone to come along and Derek my life up (the streak ended when he came back home). Of course the circumstances are different because I’m not married with kids and a career but still I’m building a life for myself. Brick by brick creating the world that I want to live in. It’s one filled with laughter, Netflix, brownies, international&domestic travel, late nights, early mornings, and wayyyyyyyyyyy too many commitments. But, it’s mine. Mine. It could and probably will all change within the next few years as graduations and jobs happen. Still, I’m happy with it.
So no, you cannot have me. I don’t want to share. We cannot date seriously. I don’t want you to love me. I want to love me. I want to keep building. I want to see how strong I am – what I can create on my own. I want to get what I want first – to be the woman I can feel myself becoming. I want to wander and flirt with strangers and dance around my apartment in my underwear and not have to explain myself to you. I don’t want you to get to know me.
I was talking to a friend the other day and he told me that I need to work on allowing someone to love my flaws and how I just am who I am. I without thinking too deeply said that I was working on it. But… then I realized that I don’t want to be. I want to be selfish and I don’t want anyone to think I’m perfect or wait around for me. Not because I can’t accept, or don’t think I’m worthy of love.. #nah that’s not it.. I just kinda don’t wanna be bothered if I’m being honest. I just wanna keep kicking ass in the operating room – that’s what matters to me right now.
This of course is all very scary to me. I’m afraid that when I want to open myself up again there will be no men – that by publishing this post I’ll scare them all off forever. I’m afraid of doing this life thing on my own. But, I’m also amazed that at 21 there seems to be this immense pressure to be with someone. Like you cease to exist or matter as an entity if you’re not in love or dating someone consistently. And I think it’s bullshit. Because, none of us really know what we’re doing anyway. I’m only just now starting to figure myself and the things I want out of life out. Why the hell would I go and bring someone else into what is sometimes confusion, sometimes ecstasy, and sometimes madness?
No. I want to get myself together first then combine my together with his together (whoever ‘he’ is) and build from there. I want to be whole for whomever I end up with. I want him to be whole too. (That whole, you’re my other half thing – not for me. Please be a whole person. Please be 100% BEFORE we get together.) I don’t wanna talk just to talk. I can save on data if I don’t text as much. I just want to give to myself for awhile. Of course, I might meet the love of my life tomorrow and then this will all have gone to horse shit but we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
My alone feels so good, I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude. – Warsan Shire
So, for now, I’ll be here… streaking it up (figuratively that is).