People that know me well, and maybe even those who don’t wouldn’t describe me as the kind of girl that “plays with fire”. It’s hard for me to leap without knowing where or how I’ll land. I appreciate a well thought out and developed plan. Risks? Sure, but they must be calculated. Always calculated. Always calculating.
What do I want to do? Where do I want to end up? How will this help me get there or get what I want? And if it’s not in service of that goal, is this something I want to experience? Is it going to be worth putting myself out there?
I’m really good at talking myself out of stuff or into a tizzy. “You don’t meet the listed qualifications so you shouldn’t bother applying.” “You exceed the qualifications but why would anyone take you for that?” “He can’t possibly feel how you do so don’t say anything.” “You don’t wanna look dumb do you?”
Well, I used to be. But, I had to stop doing that because I realized I can’t control anything but myself. My words, actions, and beliefs all matter. What I believe about myself will manifest in the world because what we put out so often equals what we get back. And so, I decided to be a bit more radical with my faith- in God and myself. To leap without looking and just trust that I’ll stick the landing. Trust that even if I don’t, I will be okay.
I’m a feeler. Meaning that I’m very in tune with my emotions. I’m always aware of the imperceptible shifts in the universe. And I’m always falling in love with things, people, and places that don’t know how to properly love me back. And this is terrifying because I always feel like, I have always felt like I am always breaking into a million little pieces. Like, I shatter easily, even when I’m trying to be, believe myself to be strong.
And because I’ve been broken before, I have overcompensated by attempting to make myself hard. By closing off and shutting down because I thought that would protect me. Only, it didn’t. It doesn’t.
My truth is that I always want to believe the best in people- even those who hurt me. That once I love you, some part of my heart will always beat for you. That I don’t believe in any one home and literal pieces of my heart are scattered all over the world because I am always leaving selves behind and taking on new ones at each destination. That I’m constantly recovering from imposter syndrome. And that I’m scared no one will love me.
But, if 2015 taught me anything- it’s that I can be my own best asset or liability. The world is truly my oyster and nothing is stopping me but me (and of course divine order). So, I played with fire this fall and got involved with someone all reason would tell me not to. Because you know, having an ocean between you can make it hard to make a situationship(?) work. But, I did it anyway and for all intensive purposes, got burned. However, I know that God never wastes an experience and even if I never have the answers to what exactly happened or where things went left, I can be proud of myself for seeing the fire and playing with it anyway. For risking death by third degree burns, but making it out to the other side – happy, healthy, whole, with amazing memories, even better new friends, and an open mind to whatever(or whomever) the future holds.
Here’s to flirting with fire in 2016, doing the work, and reaping the payoff from those calculated risks. It’s harvesting time and honestly, you really will be fine (I’m living proof).