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Alone

I spoke to my Alone

It said

That I would find sanctuary

In a shared bed

 

That a chorus of strangers

Would call me back to myself

 

That freedom meant

Never sitting still again

 

Meant only the bending of limbs

The sharing of sweat

The sex

And the leaving afterwards

 

Because what else would lonely call a bedroom door

If not an escape route

If not a promise of leaving its weight in someone else’s skin

I have been trying to escape my alone

And still hear it grinning in my ear

 

Calling my hand to theirs

Saying if you break your body enough

In the presence of a person that won’t fix it

Soon you’ll be a ghost

A shadow of smoke

A nothing

And feel nothing

Not even alone

 

So I listen

Crawl into another person

Let a part of me go

Call this

A freedom

Call me a phantom

Leave

Before I am told to

 

My alone so sadistic

It watch me bury myself

My alone so romantic

It let me do it with the lights off

My alone so alone

It forgot what free look like

Renamed it prison

Of tired feet

And breathless mouth

And spineless hero

 

My alone so lonely

It hung itself in this cell

With everyone watching

Left a smell of haunting

Left a hand out

Calling me

To it

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Lindsay Young

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