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Philadelphia, PA 19104

He's NOT your man: A guide to non-monogamous dating

Situationships

Situationships. Love & somethingships.

He's NOT your man: A guide to non-monogamous dating

Maiya Williams

Protecting my magic, is, and will always be, my life’s labor. I apply it to every facet of my life -- is this work draining my magic? Is this environment draining my magic? And most frequently is this boy, or situationship draining my magic? I see it brought up jokingly on twitter all the time “How are you going to treat me so well, how can we have such amazing sex, and you think you’re not my man?” Well, sis, did you all agree he was your man? I think these attitudes are setting us up for heartbreak.  

Despite what you’ve heard monogamy is NOT something that is implied. And unless it is discussed + agreed to, I don’t think you should expect it. Plus, if he is seeing other people, why shouldn’t you? I know the idea of juggling multiple men, seems exhausting and stressful. It doesn’t have to be. Done right, it can be fun, freeing and enriching.

Keep it light

If you enjoy his company, enjoy it. Try to avoid placing unrealistic expectations and projections on the time you spend together. Remember that you aren’t owed anything out of passing time with another human. If casual sex isn’t something you can handle, don’t involve sex. Be introspective. If the idea of him having sex with someone else makes your blood boil, do not involve sex until you discuss commitment. Try to focus on building friendship, not on the attraction – it’s the attraction that gets us in trouble.

Keep things clear

Don’t be afraid to draw lines. Don’t be afraid to ask, "Are you seeing other people?" Personally, I like to know when/if things are getting serious with someone else - I don’t want any woman out there able to think of me as a “side chick,” and I don’t even know. If you are in a sexual relationship, absolutely don’t be afraid to ask if he has multiple sexual partners. If the answer is yes, use condoms. Please insist you see test results (testing is not expensive, you can get your results right online). If you two don’t use condoms, please don’t be afraid to insist he tell you if he has unprotected sex with someone else. Make sure you treat him with the same respect, and consideration. Protecting our magic definitely means protecting our bodies. And sis, if he can’t be forthright about these things, is he really someone you want to share your magic with?

Keep your deal breakers in mind.

Listen to those red flags. Don’t tell yourself he will change. Don’t tell yourself you can “fix” things that you don’t like once you enter a relationship and start really growing together. It may not even get that far, so if you’re not feeling it move on to the next. If he’s exhibiting behaviors you wouldn’t accept in a friendship, dub that. There truly are plenty of fish in the sea.

Know yourself & know when to fold em

There have been too many times, I have been sitting around miserable over a boy who is certainly not my man, when it dawned on me “This clown doesn’t even offer me the things I’m looking for in a partner, why am I so upset?” Have the strength to cut off energetic ties with people who bring you to a dark place (especially ones who are weak communicators & leave you in a dark place alone). Make clean breaks, tell him “This isn’t working out, or making me feel positively.” Don’t argue about it. You owe it to yourself to protect yourself. Don’t expect it of anyone else.

Know when you need a break

Dating can be fun, but if you’re tremendously introverted, like me it can certainly be a drain. Simply sharing space with people frequently leaves me feeling like I need to go home, and recharge my batteries. Say no when you mean no and if you feel like you need a man cleanse, stick to it. What is for you won’t pass you. I promise.

Image: GIPHY