I have to go to Paris! You coming?
When I got this text a few weeks back, I finally understood what Mr. Big's thing was. Yes, Mr. Big was an emotionally guarded, annoying prick, BUT, in this one area I think he was right and Carrie was wrong.
"Look, I have to be in a relationship where if I have to go to Paris, I have to go to Paris." - Mr. Big
A line that broke the heart of every girl that's ever watched Sex and the City. Big and Carrie were giving it another try and things seemed to be better this time around. Until Big was Big of course. Like I said, he was an emotionally guarded, annoying prick. But, I truly think he was on to something here.
I've never been the girl you ask to stay (even when I've wanted to be asked). I have always favored the next city, campus, or opportunity over my romantic relationships. I probably wouldn't move for a man that wasn't my longterm, like 5+ years boyfriend or fiance and I mean obviously my husband. I don't know, I'm just not in favor of 20-something single (meaning unmarried) women letting life or opportunities pass them by to follow their partners around the country or world. (I would however do long-distance. Meet me in my city. I'll meet you in yours. Meet in a new city. Eventually move somewhere together).
Women have a tendency towards being willing to rearrange their lives if someone asks. I know I do. Well, I at least consider it and agonize over my impending choice of myself for a little bit. Sure, the way Big went about telling Carrie he had to move to Paris was crappy. But, the bigger issue here is that Carrie was willing to uproot her life in NYC for a man she loved, without one - him asking her to and two - without any concrete plans or roots in Paris. She was just going to move and hangout with Big? Shop? That's all well and good for a vacation, not a life. (I mean we see how well that worked out with the Russian).
Here's the thing, as 20-something, single women, I think it's too soon for us to be leveraging or even forfeiting our futures in support of or tandem to someone else's. I also believe that a man who asks you to do that, or expects you to without ever actually saying so is showing you a lot about where he believes you exist in relation to him.
"I'm going to law school. You coming? I'm moving to NYC. You coming? I'm going to backpack around Europe. You coming?"
Women have rearranged their lives for men for so long because men have had all the power. And while the cards are still stacked in their favor, to paraphrase Samantha Jones, this is the first time women have been this powerful, had this much money and these many options. It would behoove us to take advantage of them. We shouldn't jump to pick up and move like Carrie. We should reserve the right so say no. We should be the one doing the asking. Here's what I'm doing. Get in where you fit in.
With every fiber of my being, I believe there is a way to do love that still makes people feel free. There's a way to have a relationship where if you have to go to Paris, you have to go to Paris and that doesn't have to be the end. There's a way for picking or prioritizing myself to stop meaning that I didn't pick you too.
So yeah, if we were dating, I probably would go away for a year. I guess I'd just have to have faith that like Carrie and Big, eventually, if we were meant to be, we'd find our way back to each other. Because, I mean, Paris is waiting. And if I don't answer, it will always be calling.
Somehow, I think that would be worse.