I cut myself off today and it stung a bit. I cut myself off from accepting less than what I want because the only other option is having “nothing”. Today I decided to experience some short term awkward feelings instead of long term disappointment. Today I decided to end my relationship with situationships.
“Knowing that we truly want more, we need to require more.”
I’m good at casual. I’m good at playing my role. I’m good at respecting men who tell me “you’re cool but this ain’t that and I don’t want more.” I don’t have many stories of feeling empty because I casually engage with a man I desire; I stopped fooling myself with that behavior ages ago. But I have plenty of stories of casual encounters that leave me wondering if I can ever stop.
Can I stop being with people casually when I know I want more (even if not more with them)? Is it really that bad to go from situation to situation, as long as I end things before feelings get involved? Can I live this “fun” 20-something year old lifestyle of casual hookups, walks in the park that don’t mean much, and conversations into the early morning that mean little to nothing?
Can I convince myself that I’m okay with empty, meaningless “fun”?
At 7:19am today, I realized the answer is a resounding no. I want more. I want to feel more. I want to feel, period. That realization was quickly followed by:
Yeah the answer is “no” but it’s about to be cold so do I really want to cut off some quality Netflix & Chill partners?
Do I want to give up solid sex, decent conversation, and on occasion, snack deliveries just because I want to “feel more?”
I’m 24; am I rushing? Shouldn’t I be having meaningless fun so I’m not 30 running the streets searching for what I didn’t do in my 20s?
That was soon followed by me trying to rationalize why I need to basically cut everyone off and be alone. Followed by me trying to validate why I shouldn’t. Then reading my rising sign horoscope for affirmation. In short, it was followed by a lot of shit for it not to even be 8am.
I’m sure I’m not alone in this internal conflict. I enjoy my life. I try to maximize my joy in all ways and I’m relatively successful at it. But I just don’t care about running around with multiple baes. I want to like one person and have them like me back. I want to see where that goes. I want to go “Hey, I like you” and have that not go terribly left.
No, I don’t feel some societal pressure and because of said pressure feel like I “need” to be in a relationship. No, I don’t feel slighted by anyone who I’ve casually dated. No, I don’t dislike the “freedom” of being single. No, I’m not in my room at night hurt by the fact that I don’t date anyone. No, I’m not “rushing” my twenties because God forbid I want one guy in my life.
But for some reason, these are the assumptions nearly everyone makes when I say I want to date seriously. Which leaves me looking at horoscopes for affirmation because there’s clearly something wrong if I want to be in a relationship at 24. It’s a vicious cycle I’m sure others experience. To want more is to be a black sheep. To be pressed. Meanwhile, I’m actually better at no-strings than the men worried about my (nonexistent) feelings for them. *Note: yes, that is shade.*
So at 7:19am, I decided to break up with situationships, with societal pressures telling me that I’m living wrong by not dating multiple people, and with the idea that I have to accept less than I want just to have something at all. At 7:19am, quarter four cut offs started. Let’s see how it goes.