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Philadelphia, PA 19104

to all the men who didn't ask me to stay

Situationships

Situationships. Love & somethingships.

to all the men who didn't ask me to stay

Gabrielle Hickmon

I did not get it then but I do now. I was and sometimes, if I'm being honest still am so mad at you. Mad at you because the way we ended made me question if we ever had anything in the first place. Mad at you because I would've gladly rearranged my existence for you if you asked. Mad at you because I wanted you to ask even though I knew I would probably say no. 

I would probably say no. 
I would probably say no. 
I would probably say no. 

I don't have the best track record with these types of situations. Someone asks me to choose them, put them first (or at least higher on the totem pole), to stay, and I run in the opposite direction. Being tied down, unable to move, do, or wander as I please has always terrified me. Even when I was younger, I believed in and hoped for a love that would enable me to feel free. So far, I haven't found it. I have however, been blinded by it of course. 

Blinded into thinking that we, us, our whatever it was could survive anything, traverse any mountain, withstand any distance, cross any ocean. And maybe it could have. But, we'll never know because we never tried. And, that used to make me really mad. It also made me extremely sad because I didn't at the time understand the gift that was being given to me. 

I would have rearranged my life for you if you asked. 
I would have rearranged my life for you if you asked. 
I would have rearranged my life for you if you asked. 

I would have rearranged my life for you if you asked so thank God you never did. I get the sense that it's because you knew better than I did that we both have so many things to do, places to go, and people to see. And to have held each other back would have been to do not only ourselves, but the world a disservice. You knew that asking me to stay would only cause me to run in the opposite direction and so you let things end on amicable terms, even though at the time I didn't see it that way. I thought, "What a coward?" or "What's wrong with me?." But, the answer to both of those questions is that nothing is wrong with me and you have more courage than I could ever hope to because you understood not only that it was time, but how to let go. I've come to realize there is real bravery in that. 

You have gifted me the freedom of moving through life unencumbered. And being weightless is invaluable at this stage in the game. Maybe, sometimes caring about someone means caring enough to let them be, even if you don't get to be a part of whatever being ends up looking like for them. So, maybe, I have found freedom in loveandallthatotherstuff then? To all the men, who never asked me to stay, even though I'm sure I begged them to, thank you. And even though I still miss you, I understand. Hopefully, we both found the good in goodbye, and will someday, at a better time for both of us meet again. In other words, pull up, you know, whenever you want.