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Philadelphia, PA 19104

quarter two.

Situationships

Situationships. Love & somethingships.

quarter two.

Ashley Johnson

"the words of men don't affect me much anymore; my love affairs rarely last longer than three weeks." 

these are the things I remember every time my heart beats a little quicker for the words of a man. quarter two, four months into the new year, and the goal is simple- learn to love myself and to "love" along the way. but somehow, this has become difficult. 

this second quarter goal makes for good journal entries, but I can't seem to find the solace I seek. as humans, I think we often look to the words of others to validate our mental meanderings. the words of others fuels us in ways that make us believe all of our deepest desires can be attained. that love can be attained because the right person said the right words. words don't equal love but on some level, love equals words. so we {I} fall for the words. the original goal of loving love becomes wrapped up with loving the words of men who do not stay. 

but we {I} try. We {I} meet a guy. he says words that don't leave me out of breath, in a tizzy, with my heart pounding for more. the words feel so good. the words make me think "maybe he's the guy. maybe he's the one who is going to make me feel." so I tell my friends about him. I build myself up. I find care in his words and begin to believe those words. loving love becomes falling for a man and the potential in his words. 

but then it stops. it always stops suddenly. he stops suddenly. and I get mad, sad, frustrated, but I no longer cry. I know that this is partly my fault; I put weight to words that never even moved me to begin with. I put weight to words because it seems logical. And I always regret finding solace in the words of a man.

this goal is hard; I don't much enjoy seeking to fill a void with the words of men. this second quarter equals love and knowing love; it doesn't equal finding love in the possibility of a man's words. i say all this to say, i'm absolutely terrified of quarter two.

Header Image: GIPHY