Remember that sun I told you would come out? Yea, great, because it finally did, didn’t it?
And you don’t know what to do with it. You got so used to being in the dark, living in the shadows, always preparing for rain that this pretty much constant state of sunshine, well, it freaks you out. You’re scared because everything feels different and even though you know you can weather a storm, this is new territory. For the life of you, you can’t remember the last time you were this good, this happy, this content. And you can’t quite put your finger on what’s different but all of a sudden there’s this distance between who you are now and who you used to be… It’s like looking at a former shell, a ghost of yourself- someone you should recognize, and do in a “Hey, how are you? I haven’t seen you in so long! We should get coffee and catch up.” kind of way. You know, those coffee dates that never actually happen because you’ve grown apart and it would be weird to sit and try to pretend that you know each other anymore.
The scariest thing about destruction is not the falling apart. It’s not the breaking, the change, the being ripped to shreds. No, the scariest thing, is the inevitable rebirth, renewal, reset. Because, you know better, so you have to do better. You have to be better. And naturally, as soon as you decided you were good, over the past and not really concerned about the future, they came along… and shook everything up.
Infatuation/feelings/love & all that other stuff can sometimes make us feel out of control. It’s made you feel out of control in the past. Scared, afraid, maybe even cowardly. Hell, on a really good day you were probably even capable of sabotaging your own happiness- and did. But, this time, it’s different. And, it’s not because he’s different. It’s because you’ve healed. You thought you were ready with that suitor from three rounds ago, but, honey, you weren’t. Then you decided that you didn’t want any suitors at all (it helped you sleep at night, it’s cool) even though deep down inside you knew you did. And finally, you reached that glorious place of acceptance. Acceptance of the past, of what happened, of who you are now. You realized that they would come when they were supposed to- you couldn’t hurry the process along. So, you got busy living your life and boy oh boy did you live. You’ve traveled, laughed, smiled, drank, cried, read good books, drowned your joy in wine, and sat with your soul. And when you least expected it, there they were, because we’re never ready when we think we are, we’re always ready when we forget to be.
You’re not less insecure because they’re magically better at making you feel sure of yourself and the relationship. No, mostly you’re less insecure because YOU’RE less insecure. You know what you bring to the table. Your destruction forced you to rebuild and realize all the things you have to offer. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, you were refreshed, renewed, reborn.
That newfound sense of security? Maybe it comes from how available/transparent they are or the fact that you have no secrets. My real guess? It comes from knowing that you’ll be okay either way. Having to put yourself back together teaches you that no matter what comes your way, you’ve got you. You are your shelter from the storm. You are the lighthouse that guides ships home. You are what you need to be okay. You are your rock.
So, stop searching for the end in their eyes and wondering how long it’ll last. For once, just relax and enjoy. The best things in life usually come along when we weren’t looking for them. Let yourself be surprised. At the end of the day, no matter what happens, remember that you’ll be fine. You’ve done this before. Only, this won’t be that. This isn’t that. Because no like/strong infatuation/love is ever the same and it would be a travesty if the events of your past repeated themselves here. Have the courage not to sabotage this good thing. Let it manifest organically. And give yourself permission to fall while you’re at it. To fall in like, to fall in infatuation, maybe, to even fall in love. And give yourself permission to rise out of it too if need be. This isn’t like the first time around because you know you can survive. You can weather a storm. But guess what, if you’re lucky and believe that better is possible, you probably won’t have to.
You will be scared. Try anyway. You will want to “fall back.” Don’t. You will wonder if you’re setting yourself up for failure. You can’t know unless you try. You will hope you don’t have to put yourself back together. You can if you have to.
You waited so long for the sun to come out… the least you can do is stand outside, twirl around in it, and soak it in.
Here’s to the second time around. Take care of yourself sis.